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The News letter, 020109-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

What would you do if you were told that your current stash
of money was going to be worthless in two months, but you
had gotten the money "under the table?" You realize that if
you turn in big amounts the banks will alert the feds of
your attempt at conversion to a new currency. That's what
many in Europe are facing with the introduction of the Euro
into private hands in just hours. The New York Times is
reporting that rather than admit they are holding the money
-- since banks are required to report large deposits of
currently -- many are going on a spending frenzy, hoping
to trade their "secret" profits for goods of equal value.
The paper profiles a 28-year-old Spanish insurance agent
with thousand of dollars he needs to unload without any
noticing. It says he's been on a buying spree, purchasing
expensive watches and necklaces. He even made an advance
payment on upcoming renovations to his apartment. He says
that the first day of the new year is his goal to be
"completely of the old cash."

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he
holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but
you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."


"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless

Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and
our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you
can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap
she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like
a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl
says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to
make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma
said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I
think I'm old enough to start cussing." Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha
gonna say?" Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll
say." Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all
the time. They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in,
says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?" He
replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops." Mom knocks older son off
his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for
breakfast?" Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

You might be a Redneck If:
  1. If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
  2. You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
  3. You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
  4. You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
  5. You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.

Did Ya' Know:
The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays.
It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago.
In the years around 2000 BC, the Babylonian New Year began with
the first New Moon (actually the first visible cresent) after
the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring). The Babylonian new year
celebration lasted for eleven days. The Romans continued to ob-
serve the new year in late March, but their calendar was continu-
ally tampered with by various emperors so that the calendar soon
became out of synchronization with the sun.

Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour
- about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average
person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. The largest
human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about
25 square feet.

The word Christmas comes from the words Cristes maesse,
or "Christ's Mass."  Christmas is the celebration of the
birth of Jesus for members of the Christian religion.
Most historians peg the first celebration of Christmas to
Rome in 336 A.D.  This site from HowStuffWorks details
how Christmas works and offers a complete guide to
Christmas traditions.

The Agulhas current in the western Indian Ocean is the
fastest ocean current in the world. Even so, its speed
is only 6 miles per hour.

Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year
because it's built on top of an underground reservoir.
Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city's
growing population of more than 17 million people.

*grin* It makes people wonder!

& another GREAT idea.

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish
New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling
like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says
arrogantly,... "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and
also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,
....."Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves,
she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and
farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

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Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for
wearing only one spur on his boots.

Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed
to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if only to bring a good
name to the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors.

The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was,
"So why do you wear only one spur?"

To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on
my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side of a horse starts to
run, so will the other."

In a murder trial a big city high priced defense attorney was cross-examining a resident country doctor, who was the part time coroner, in this southern small town, The Attorney asked,   " Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse of the victim? " The coroner response was, " No." The Attorney continued, " Did you listen to the heart? " The coroner answered, " No " The Attorney then asked, " Did you check the body for breathing? " The coroner again said, " No." The Attorney then stated, " So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? " The coroner, took a look around the court room before he reponded, " Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain  was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But I guess  it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

The Game  Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting
license. "This is  last year's license," the warden informed him.

"I know," said the hunter,  "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am
only shooting at the deer I missed  last year."


Jill:  I wonder if your ex screwed around with the baby-sitter in your own

Mary: Not a chance! The stains were on the  couch.


Some  members of a health club were having their first meeting. The
director of  the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the
facts of your daily  routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one
obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink
moderately,  and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure  you having nothing else to

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie  extensively."


You  spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then  you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and  shut-up.


Grandchildren  are God's reward for not killing your  children.


Mary:  "Kids these days are so fickle. My Susie has changed majors
THREE times this  year!"

Jill: "I didn't know Susie was in college."

Mary: "She's  not. She's in the  ARMY


Mothers of  teens know why some animals eat their  young.

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          No rights reserved.
          non-copyright 2000-2001

Summer Shoe Pledge

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Cute Foot Sisterhood, I pledge to follow
the rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang
over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.
And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between
the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and

I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, co-worker,
mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I
tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back
into place, hoping that by some miracle, it will stay put. I will
get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather, I will lean on my good friend
Dr.Scholls if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low,
low price of $4.99, even if my feet are small enough to fit into
the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the
safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a
pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me
as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes
swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/co-worker when
she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has
to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal
makes creepy feet look good.

This is my summer shoe pledge.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night
waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she
accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in
the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!".

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it

YUP ! That's my answer !

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 151 seconds for 28K modem,
90 seconds for 56k modem & 41 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #