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The News letter, 020105

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

oh yeahNow he really was paying attention

& no clues about it either.

Why do we try to trick our friends on April 1st?

In the early sixteenth century, France observed New Year's Day on March 25 with celebrations that lasted until April 1. Then, around 1564, King Charles IX adapted the more accurate Gregorian calendar and moved the beginning of the year to January 1.

Many Frenchmen, who either didn't know about the change or refused to honor it, continued to hold parties and exchange gifts on April 1. Jokers made fun of these people by sending them frivolous gifts and invitations to non-existent parties. Playing these practical jokes was so much fun that after the calendar change was accepted by all Frenchmen, people made April Fools Day a tradition in its own right.

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with,
'Once upon a time?' "
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with
'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"

Did Ya' Know:
Animated actors dominated the box office, Barry Bonds
hit 73 home runs and 'It' turned out to be a scooter.
TIME picks the bests and worsts of 2001.

Milton's PARADISE LOST sold 40 copies on its first printing.

Dante, the author of THE DIVINE COMEDY and considered the
greatest poet of the Middle Ages, wrote songs for a street
singer to make ends meet.

William Shakespeare never had a play published in its
entirety during his lifetime. When the plays emerged
after his death, they were at first derided as a cheap
publicity stunt.

From YOU The Reader's Dept.:
Instead of Sam Colt getting his revolver idea from the
helmsman/steering wheel, he more likely got it from the
capstan which has a pawl and ratchet arrangement to keep
it from turning backwards. --Bob S.

*grin* It makes people wonder!


1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop," and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that
you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford.
When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so
much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don't
put out a mailbox on the highway of death and just wait in residence for
your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign
country, but not to guilt country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER Life is not measured by the number of
breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

NOOO James,
It's not me or Susan.

Well that button would be on a lot fer my calls

1. Politically correct terms for cat owners
My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug

- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint
practice tools.

- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin

- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair
relocation stylist.

- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys
the proximity of food.

I used to work for a large company, they often did special things for
to make work a little more enjoyable, below is a memo I found in my
today thought I would pass it on.

Casual Day

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual
Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.
copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been
mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You
Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately.


Items Needed:
1) Toothpick
2) Rubber Band
3) Band Aid
4) Pencil
5) Eraser
6) Chewing Gum
7) Mint
8) Candy Kiss
9) Tea Bag


1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good
qualities in others.

2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible;
things might not always go the way you want,
but it will work out.

3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings,
yours or someone else's.

4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings

5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes
mistakes and that's OK.

6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and
you can accomplish anything.

7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint.

8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a
kiss or a hug everyday.

9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and
reflect all the positive things in your life.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you
smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an
ear, share a word of praise and they always open their
hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.

YEAH, neither one would take it
Sorry Paul & Owen, I had to say it.

Owen, make sure Paul sees this one

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is
his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my
concentration off
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role
of the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his
wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open,
and there's a burglar in it!"

The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a
man on an airplane had told him about her grand-
children. She had even produced a plastic-foldout
photo album of all nine of them.

She finally realized that she had dominated the
entire conversation. "Oh, Ive done all the talking,
and Im so sorry. I know you certainly have
something to say. Please, tell me...what do you
think of my grandchildren?"

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done!"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Bill GatesEvery body just loves him

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there
was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure
your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will
cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus
payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a
new sports car!"

"Hum," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

9 Beans That Cause The Most Gas!!!

1. Soybeans

2. Pink Beans

3. Black Beans

4. Pinto Beans

5. California Small Beans

6. Great Northern Beans

7. Lima Beans

8. Garbanzos

9. Blackeyes

( Thanks, *US Dept. Of Agriculture*)


>Japanese Man Opens Mailbox, Finds Cash and No Bills
>TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man may have
>received a late Christmas present Saturday
>morning when he opened his mailbox to find
>3 million yen ($22,780) in cash inside.
>The man, an office worker in the city of
>Yokohama just west of Tokyo, told police he
>went to get the morning newspaper and found
>a paper bag stuffed full of yen in the mailbox.
>``He has no idea where the money came from,''
>a police spokesman said.
>The notes were not new and there were no
>clues as to whose they might be, but the
>spokesman said police were planning to take
>fingerprints and contact nearby financial
>Should nobody step forward to claim the money
>over the next six months, the man will be able
>to keep it, the spokesman added.

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up!

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke even one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of backlogged vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to,"
replaces, "I'm never going drink that much again."

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

Yes Susan, If I could figure it out
I WOULD do it to you

Business as usual

You might be a Redneck If:

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how
the Americans ran out of oil recently.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple........nobody
bothered to check the oil! They didn't know they were
getting low. And of course the reason for that is
geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, and
Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington D.C.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From My Dog

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by,
and nuzzle them gently.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout .... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

My high-school Spanish was what one would call a "colorful character."
She was always doing something outrageous. She was one of those
unfortunate teachers who "traveled," meaning that she went from one
school to another during the day.

Our Spanish teacher went to three schools in one day. The three
schools were football rivals. On football game days, our teacher would
show up at our school wearing the colors of the opposing school's
team. When we'd point this out to her, she'd shrug and say she hadn't
noticed what colors she was wearing.

Finally, one of our students mentioned this to a student at one of the
rival schools. It seems that she did the same thing at the other
schools too! On her trips between schools, our teacher would stop
somewhere and change her clothes on purpose, just to stir us up! It
worked too. What a character!

& I left it on your Pillow Sue

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 203 seconds for 28K modem,
121 seconds for 56k modem & 56 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #