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The News letter, 020105-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Poor ChimpLearns a smelly lesson

Yup, that's about my luck

You might be a Redneck If:
  1. You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
  2. You go to church to pick up women.
  3. You bring your dog with you to church.
  4. You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
  5. You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

Redneck Driving Etiquette

1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?" The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."

One day, Jenny (Ziggy's mom) was invited to a big party. Everyone
was going to be there, including boss and coworkers. Ziggy was only 9
years old, so Jenny tried finding him a babysitter. Alas, no one was
available. So Jenny decided to take Ziggy to the party with her.

When they got there, Ziggy ate and ate and drank and drank. He went
up to his mom, who was talking to her boss and other people, and said
in a loud tone, "Mommy, I gotta take a piss!"

Everyone looked at her, including her boss. Jenny took her son to
the bathroom and told him that the next time he needs to use the
bathroom to just say he needs to whistle.

The next day, Ziggy's grandpa came to take Ziggy to Illinois for the
summer. Their train left at 9:00 p.m. In the middle of the night,
Ziggy woke up with a sudden urge to use the bathroom. He was going
to tell his grandpa that he had to piss but then remembered what his
mom had told him.

So he went up to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, I gotta whistle, I
gotta whistle!"

His grandpa said, "Okay, Okay. You can whistle in my ear, but not so
loud that you wake the other passengers..."

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

1. You Are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous--it draws fire (that's why aircraft
are called bomb magnets).
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5 second grenade fuses will burn down in 3 seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13. The important things are always simple.
14. The simple things are always hard.
15. The easy way is always mined.
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18. Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
19. Friendly fire, isn't.
20. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. Beer math is 2 beers x 37 men = 49 cases.
23. Body count math is 2 guerrillas plus 1 portable plus 2 pigs = 37
enemy killed in action.
24. Things that must be together to work usually cannot be shipped
25. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
26. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
27. Tracers work both ways.
28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire.
29. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
30. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will
more than your fair share of objectives to take.
31. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they
are both right.
32. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of
33. Murphy was a grunt.

Yup, That one is mine
Now I just got to get away
with it!

No Comment on James

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You
have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

A protestor said to his girlfriend, "I'm on my way to pick
up my unemployment check. Then I've got to go to the
university to see what's holding up this month's Federal
Education Grant. Meanwhile you can go over to the Free
Clinic and check up on your tests. And right after I
stop by the Welfare Department to see if they will up
our eligibility limit again I'll meet you at the Federal
Building for the demonstration against this rotten,
oppressive establishment....!"

Did Ya' Know:
A king's insistence that he could write a play finally killed
him. Frederick of Germany, unhappy that his sole fame depended
on his sword, wrote a play. It was rehearsed twice before the
premiere in 1324 when a sword slipped from an actor's grasp and
killed the king.

The bigger the dog, the slower heart the rate. The average
is about 120. A Yorkie will usually be higher, where as a
St. Bernard would be lower, 70-90. Can go way up to 240
with excitement.

There are about 30 milligrams of caffeine in the average
chocolate bar, while a cup of coffee contains around 100 to
150 milligrams.

*grin* It makes people wonder!

>>1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
>2. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
>3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
>4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.
>5. Success stops when you do.
>6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
>7. You will never "have it all together."
>8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
>9. The biggest lie on the planet:"When I get what I want,I will be happy."
>10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
>11. I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
>12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
>13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
>14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
>15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
>16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
>17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
>18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
>19. Success is getting up one more time.
>20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
>21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.


** One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness
of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having
her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having
his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of divorce alimony.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts
having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities.
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few
buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she
doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he
may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why
he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he
turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more
dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

I wonder just how many people
just said

James, this the group you
use to listen to ????


** 7 WAYS to MAKE 2002 YOUR HAPPIEST YEAR POSSIBLE - written by Kathy Gates,
Professional Life Coach **

1. Starve a bad habit; feed a good habit. Things that you nurture, and
support, and give energy and time to WILL grow in your life. And in
contrast, things can't exist if you don't support them. If you have
something in your life that you don't want there, identify how you are
supporting it.

2. Give up all hope of ever having a better past. You can't change it.
But you CAN create a better future. If you get up every morning unhappy
about what happened 20 years ago, or yesterday, you give it power over you.
Decide that the past will not rule your present.

3. Do it anyway. You don't have to feel like doing it (exercise, cutting
spending, asking for help, saying no) to do it. Make a plan, then do what
needs to be done.

4. Ask for what you want. Nobody ever gets more than they asks for. If
you ask for very little love, support, opportunity, courage, interest, etc,
that's exactly what you'll get. Decide what's important to you, and be
willing to ask, try, work, experiment, until you get it.

5. Take small steps. It's easy to get overwhelmed and do nothing. Instead
of focusing on the ultimate goal, focus on what you can do "just for today"
to move in a new direction. For example, if financial stability is your
goal, decide that "just for today" you won't create any new debt.

6. Do something different. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'
ll get what you've always gotten. Change your routine, add a good habit.
Start small, then build on it. Just add an apple a day to your diet for 1
month, then include a v-8 juice the next month.you get the idea.

7. Learn something new. Expand your horizons. If you're not willing to
learn something new, you'll stay stuck where you are. It's very hard to ask
for something when you don't even know it's available. Surprise yourself.

About the Author
Kathy Gates is a Professional Life Coach who believes that "Life Rewards
Action". It's what you do TODAY that will make a difference in your
tomorrow. She can help you set priorities and goals, build healthy
relationships, and take control of your future. For more information, visit
www.reallifecoach.com, email kathy@r..., or call 480.998.5843.


Middle East Chip From Dianne

I swear my assessment that the Middle East is like a kindergarten
with a
teacher who is in over her head is more than accurate.

"Ok, now everyone sit quietly while I deal with Afghanistan."

"India is touching me!"

"Now, Pakistan, just sit quietly while I deal with Afghanistan."

"Pakistan took my crayon."

"Both of you settle down. Now, Afghanistan, you've been very naughty.
You're going to have to take a time out. What was that noise?"

India and Pakistan simultaneously, "He started it!!!"

I swear, no grape juice or graham crackers for the Middle East for
twenty years!

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and
Elvis is alive!

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you
can bet the water bill is higher too.

I walk in the shadow of death
BUT I fear not!

Keep doing this & I'll get that cat
just you wait & see ! ! !

Sorry pal, Your on your own.

This is some real scientific stuff folks. I think it is certainly
worth sharing with everyone who might have a scientific mind.

"It all started with an enquiry from a nurse," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki
told listeners to his science phone-in show on the Triple J radio
station in Brisbane. "She wanted to know whether she was contaminating
the operating theatre she worked in by quietly farting in the sterile
environment during operations, and I realised that I didn't know. But
I was determined to find out."

Dr. Kruszelnicki then described the method by which he had established
whether human flatus was germ-laden, or merely malodorous. "I
contacted Luke Tennent, a microbiologist in Canberra, and together we
devised an experiment. He asked a colleague to break wind directly
onto two Petri dishes from a distance of five centimetres, first fully
clothed, then with his trousers down. Then he observed what happened.
Overnight, the second Petri dish sprouted visible lumps of two types
of bacteria that are usually only found in the gut and on the skin.
But the flatus which had passed through clothing caused no bacteria to
sprout, which suggests that clothing acts as a filter.

"Our deduction is that the enteric zone in the second Petri dish was
caused by the flatus itself, and the splatter ring around that was
caused by the sheer velocity of the fart, which blew skin bacteria
from the cheeks and blasted it onto the dish. It seems, therefore,
that flatus can cause infection if the emitter is naked, but not if he
or she is clothed. But the results of the experiment should not be
considered alarming, because neither type of bacterium is harmful. In
fact, they're similar to the 'friendly' bacteria found in yoghurt.

"Our final conclusion? Don't fart naked near food. Alright, it's not
rocket science. But then again, maybe it is?" (Source: Canberra Times,

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked
God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

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& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 187 seconds for 28K modem,
111 seconds for 56k modem & 51 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #