You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Redneck Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
One day, Jenny (Ziggy's mom) was invited to a big party. Everyone was going
to be there, including boss and coworkers. Ziggy was only 9 years old, so
Jenny tried finding him a babysitter. Alas, no one was available. So Jenny
decided to take Ziggy to the party with her.
When they got there, Ziggy
ate and ate and drank and drank. He went up to his mom, who was talking to
her boss and other people, and said in a loud tone, "Mommy, I gotta take a
Everyone looked at her, including her boss. Jenny took her son
to the bathroom and told him that the next time he needs to use
the bathroom to just say he needs to whistle.
The next day, Ziggy's
grandpa came to take Ziggy to Illinois for the summer. Their train left at
9:00 p.m. In the middle of the night, Ziggy woke up with a sudden urge to use
the bathroom. He was going to tell his grandpa that he had to piss but then
remembered what his mom had told him.
So he went up to his grandpa and
said, "Grandpa, I gotta whistle, I gotta whistle!"
His grandpa said,
"Okay, Okay. You can whistle in my ear, but not so loud that you wake the
Murphy's Laws Of Combat
1. You Are not a superman. 2. If it's
stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 3. Don't look conspicuous--it draws
fire (that's why aircraft carriers are called bomb magnets). 4.
When in doubt, empty your magazine. 5. Never share a foxhole with anyone
braver than you are. 6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the
lowest bidder. 7. If your attack is going really well, it's an
ambush. 8. No plan survives the first contact intact. 9. All 5 second
grenade fuses will burn down in 3 seconds. 10. Try to look unimportant
because the bad guys may be low on ammo. 11. If you are forward of your
position, the artillery will fall short. 12. The enemy diversion you are
ignoring is the main attack. 13. The important things are always
simple. 14. The simple things are always hard. 15. The easy way is
always mined. 16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in
combat. 17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the
enemy. 18. Incoming fire has the right-of-way. 19. Friendly fire,
isn't. 20. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 21. No combat ready
unit has ever passed inspection. 22. Beer math is 2 beers x 37 men = 49
cases. 23. Body count math is 2 guerrillas plus 1 portable plus 2 pigs =
37 enemy killed in action. 24. Things that must be together to work
usually cannot be shipped together. 25. Radios will fail as soon as you
need fire support desperately. 26. Anything you do can get you shot,
including doing nothing. 27. Tracers work both ways. 28. The only thing
more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 29.
Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 30. If you take
more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your
fair share of objectives to take. 31. When both sides are convinced that
they are about to lose, they are both right. 32. Professional soldiers
are predictable but the world is full of amateurs. 33. Murphy was a
You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a
gun with only two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
A protestor said to his girlfriend, "I'm on my way to pick up my
unemployment check. Then I've got to go to the university to see what's
holding up this month's Federal Education Grant. Meanwhile you can go over
to the Free Clinic and check up on your tests. And right after I stop by
the Welfare Department to see if they will up our eligibility limit again
I'll meet you at the Federal Building for the demonstration against this
rotten, oppressive establishment....!"
Did Ya' Know: ------------------------------------ A king's insistence
that he could write a play finally killed him. Frederick of Germany, unhappy
that his sole fame depended on his sword, wrote a play. It was rehearsed
twice before the premiere in 1324 when a sword slipped from an actor's grasp
and killed the king.
The bigger the dog, the slower heart the rate.
The average is about 120. A Yorkie will usually be higher, where as a St.
Bernard would be lower, 70-90. Can go way up to 240 with excitement.
There are about 30 milligrams of caffeine in the average chocolate
bar, while a cup of coffee contains around 100 to 150
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
>>1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission. > >2.
Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be. > >3.
Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it
permanently. > >4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is
exactly what you will have. > >5. Success stops when you
do. > >6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to
unload it. > >7. You will never "have it all
together." > >8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the
trip! > >9. The biggest lie on the planet:"When I get what I want,I
will be happy." > >10. The best way to escape your problem is to
solve it. > >11. I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and
'givers' win. > >12. Life's precious moments don't have value,
unless they are shared. > >13. If you don't start, it's certain you
won't arrive. > >14. We often fear the thing we want the
most. > >15. He or she who laughs......lasts. > >16.
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints. > >17. Look for
opportunities...not guarantees. > >18. Life is what's coming....not
what was. > >19. Success is getting up one more
time. > >20. Now is the most interesting time of
all. > >21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
"DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR"
** One who avoids Bride-Eyed
women. ** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of
Pursuit. ** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long. ** One who
believes that one can live as cheaply as two. ** One who can forget his
mistakes. ** One who can get into bed from either side. ** One who can go
fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. ** One who can have a girl on his knee
without having her on his hands. ** One who can leave his socks and
wallet lying around the house. ** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor
without having his wife interrupt. ** One who can't be
Spouse-Broken. ** One who can't stand the strain of a wife. ** One who
cheated some woman out of divorce alimony. ** One who doesn't have to leave
the party when he starts having a good time. ** One who failed to
embrace his opportunities. ** One who is a free male. ** One who is
allergic to Wedding cakes. ** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free. **
One who is known as a Dame Dropper. ** One who is not missing anything in
life except a few buttons on his shirt. ** One who knows all the
ankles. ** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't
get a grip on him. ** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string
he may wind up on a leash. ** One who knows more about Women than Men.
That's why he is a Bachelor. ** One who leans toward a woman but not
far enough to fall. ** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she
is...Single!!!! ** One who looks, but does not leap. ** One who never
chases a woman he couldn't outrun. ** One who never knows whom the next kiss
is coming from. ** One who never makes the same mistake once. ** One who
never met a girl he couldn't live without. ** One who never Mrs.
Anything. ** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!" ** One
who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur
outstanding. ** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy
forever. ** One who tries to avoid the issue. ** One who usually has his
hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip. ** One who wakes up in the
morning with all of the blankets. ** One who washes only one set of
dishes. ** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns
Stone-Deaf. ** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more
dust blows out than in. ** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer. ** One
who would rather change girls than change their names. ** One who would
rather cook his own goose. ** One who would rather have a woman on his mind
than on his neck. ** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
** 7 WAYS to MAKE 2002 YOUR
HAPPIEST YEAR POSSIBLE - written by Kathy Gates, Professional Life Coach
1. Starve a
bad habit; feed a good habit. Things that you nurture, and support, and give
energy and time to WILL grow in your life. And in contrast, things can't
exist if you don't support them. If you have something in your life that you
don't want there, identify how you are supporting it.
2. Give up all
hope of ever having a better past. You can't change it. But you CAN create a
better future. If you get up every morning unhappy about what happened 20
years ago, or yesterday, you give it power over you. Decide that the past
will not rule your present.
3. Do it anyway. You don't have to feel like
doing it (exercise, cutting spending, asking for help, saying no) to do it.
Make a plan, then do what needs to be done.
4. Ask for what you
want. Nobody ever gets more than they asks for. If you ask for very little
love, support, opportunity, courage, interest, etc, that's exactly what
you'll get. Decide what's important to you, and be willing to ask, try,
work, experiment, until you get it.
5. Take small steps. It's easy to
get overwhelmed and do nothing. Instead of focusing on the ultimate goal,
focus on what you can do "just for today" to move in a new direction. For
example, if financial stability is your goal, decide that "just for today"
you won't create any new debt.
6. Do something different. If you keep
doing what you've always done, you' ll get what you've always gotten. Change
your routine, add a good habit. Start small, then build on it. Just add an
apple a day to your diet for 1 month, then include a v-8 juice the next
month.you get the idea.
7. Learn something new. Expand your horizons. If
you're not willing to learn something new, you'll stay stuck where you are.
It's very hard to ask for something when you don't even know it's available.
About the Author Kathy Gates is a
Professional Life Coach who believes that "Life Rewards Action". It's what
you do TODAY that will make a difference in your tomorrow. She can help you
set priorities and goals, build healthy relationships, and take control of
your future. For more information, visit www.reallifecoach.com, email
kathy@r..., or call
Middle East Chip From Dianne
I swear my assessment that the Middle East
is like a kindergarten with a teacher who is in over her head is more
"Ok, now everyone sit quietly while I deal with
"India is touching me!"
"Now, Pakistan, just sit
quietly while I deal with Afghanistan."
"Pakistan took my
"Both of you settle down. Now, Afghanistan, you've been very
naughty. You're going to have to take a time out. What was that noise?"
India and Pakistan simultaneously, "He started it!!!"
no grape juice or graham crackers for the Middle East for twenty years!
You have to wonder about humans, they think God
is dead and Elvis is alive!
If the grass is greener on the other side of
the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher too.
This is some real scientific stuff folks. I think it is certainly worth
sharing with everyone who might have a scientific mind.
"It all started
with an enquiry from a nurse," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki told listeners to his
science phone-in show on the Triple J radio station in Brisbane. "She wanted
to know whether she was contaminating the operating theatre she worked in by
quietly farting in the sterile environment during operations, and I realised
that I didn't know. But I was determined to find out."
Kruszelnicki then described the method by which he had established whether
human flatus was germ-laden, or merely malodorous. "I contacted Luke Tennent,
a microbiologist in Canberra, and together we devised an experiment. He asked
a colleague to break wind directly onto two Petri dishes from a distance of
five centimetres, first fully clothed, then with his trousers down. Then he
observed what happened. Overnight, the second Petri dish sprouted visible
lumps of two types of bacteria that are usually only found in the gut and on
the skin. But the flatus which had passed through clothing caused no bacteria
to sprout, which suggests that clothing acts as a filter.
deduction is that the enteric zone in the second Petri dish was caused by the
flatus itself, and the splatter ring around that was caused by the sheer
velocity of the fart, which blew skin bacteria from the cheeks and blasted it
onto the dish. It seems, therefore, that flatus can cause infection if the
emitter is naked, but not if he or she is clothed. But the results of the
experiment should not be considered alarming, because neither type of
bacterium is harmful. In fact, they're similar to the 'friendly' bacteria
found in yoghurt.
"Our final conclusion? Don't fart naked near food.
Alright, it's not rocket science. But then again, maybe it is?" (Source:
Canberra Times, 17/7/01.)
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had
been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you
make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love
her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I
don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so
stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."
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