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The News letter, 020104








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!











This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10
minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third
Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes. When asked about this by
some
of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my
gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were
hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's
dentures..... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!


Did Ya' Know:
------------------------------------
The monumental movie made in 1939, GONE WITH THE WIND, resulted in
449,512 feet of film, of which only about 20,300 feet appear in the
final picture.

Jules Verne, regarded as the father of science fiction,
wrote a scientific treatise on balloons, but it was
spurned by publishers until he offered it as a fictional
adventure titled "Five Weeks in a Balloon."

Samuel Colt (1814-1862), inventor of the revolver that bears
his name, got the idea for its revolving cylinder as a 16 year
old seaman watching the helmsman turn the ship's wheel, each
spoke aligning with a clutch that held it fast.

Daniel Defoe took ROBINSON CRUSOE to 20 publishers before he
finally got it printed.  It has been a best-seller for over
250 years and been translated into 10 languages.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~


+-------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+
                           JANUARY
 
January is... National Fiber Focus Month
   
January 1 is... First Foot Day
 
January 2 is... Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody
                Salutes Day
 
January 8 is... National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher's Day
 
January 10 is... Peculiar People Day
 
January 11 is... National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your
                 Friend Day
 
January 12 is... Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
 
January 22 is... National Answer Your Cat's Question Day
 
January 23 is... Measure Your Feet Day
 
January 24 is... Eskimo Pie Patent Day
 
January 27 is... Thomas Crapper Day
 
January 28 is... Kazoo Day and Rattle Snake Round-Up Day


--------- Pilotless Plane Takes Off and Disappears ---------

SAN RAFAEL, California - Amateur pilot Paul Clary was working
on his plane, the "1946 Aeronca Champion" when it broke free
from its blocks. With the throttle up, the plane taxied down
the runway and took off without anyone at the controls. He
described the incident as a "nightmare." He was trying to
drain a flooded engine when he turned the propeller and the
engine started. He and his son chased the plane in a van for
almost 10 minutes until they lost sight of it. Emergency
broadcasts alerted local radio of the potential danger, and
a helicopter was sent to locate the plane. Authorities
estimate that the plane crashed because it only had two
hours worth of fuel. The helicopter ceased it's mission after
a four-hour search. Walt Smith, regional coordinator for the
Federal Aviation Administration said, "This will be in the
aviation history books. It's pretty wild. We thought we'd
heard everything." So did we.











----- Massachusetts Woman Meets the Spiders from Mars ------

Nancy Talbott is in search of spiders from Mars. The whole
thing started last year on a cool September night. Nancy
woke up to a loud droning noise that completely surrounded
her remote Massachusetts home. The phenomenon lasted about
an hour, and although she went outside to investigate the
pitch dark kept her from seeing anything. The next morning
her entire property was covered in thousands of what she
described as little gooey spider webs. They were everywhere
covering the house, lawn, trees and fences. She sent a
sample to a local lab which told her they did not know what
the substance was, but it was not spider webs. Is it the ex-
haust of an experimental aircraft? Is it a new type of air
pollution? Is it the aftermath of a close encounter? She is
still searching for answers, so if any of this sounds
familiar Nancy would love to hear from you.
If you have info please go to his site at:
http://www.bizarrenews.com/3.html


Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. 

When she's in a good mood it turns green.

 

When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.


THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon.  After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"


I met  someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining
about how  coffee made him nervous.

I asked him, "Why don't you quit drinking  coffee?"

He replied, "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get  any
exercise at  all."



My friend  Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the procession to
the cemetery for  the funeral of a distant relative.  "Since we don't
really know  anybody, do you want to head on home?" she asked.

When her sister nodded,  Linda made a right turn.

She had gotten about a quarter of a mile down  the road when she
happened to look in her rear-view mirror.  The rest  of the procession
was still following  us!


   Count how many you remember...

  1. Blackjack chewing gum
  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  3. Candy cigarettes
  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
  5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  7. Conga lines
  8. Newsreels before the movie
  9. P.F. Flyers
  10. Butch wax
  11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)
  12. Peashooters
  13. Howdy Doody
  14. 45 RPM records
  15. S&H Green Stamps
  16. Hi-fi's
  17. Metal ice trays with levers
  18. Mimeograph paper
  19. Blue flashbulbs
  20. Beanie and Cecil
  21. Roller skate keys
  22. Cork popguns
  23. Drive-ins
  24. Studebakers
  25. Wash tub wringers

  If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
  If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
  If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
  If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!



To POST, send to:
Joke-Attack@yahoogroups.com

To SUBSCRIBE send a blank email to:
JOKE-ATTACK-Subscribe@YAHOOGROUPS.COM











Missionary Experience

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the
Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirm-
ation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the
situation by baptizing and confirming everyone.
He also married every couple that walked by and
desired such.

Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe
had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the
chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.

"We all got new wives!"

OHHHH, yeah if only that could happen in America. David 1


Why do we try to trick our friends on April 1st?

In the early sixteenth century, France observed New Year's Day on March 25 with celebrations that lasted until April 1. Then, around 1564, King Charles IX adapted the more accurate Gregorian calendar and moved the beginning of the year to January 1.

Many Frenchmen, who either didn't know about the change or refused to honor it, continued to hold parties and exchange gifts on April 1. Jokers made fun of these people by sending them frivolous gifts and invitations to non-existent parties. Playing these practical jokes was so much fun that after the calendar change was accepted by all Frenchmen, people made April Fools Day a tradition in its own right.




Happy New Year!!
http://www.transload.net/~terrisfunnypages/winter/happynewyear2002.html
This is a good one to send to friends with a GOOD sense of humor, to wish them a Happy 2002!. I left all the extra 'stuff' that goes on a page OFF.
Have a Safe and Happy New Year!!
Terri


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I guess I'm in a fart mood ??






The first Jewish President of the United States calls
his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for
Thanksgiving.  She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much
trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I
hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab -
I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my
ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane,
and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much
trouble."

He replies, "Mom!  I'm the President of the United States!
I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll
have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get
a cab...it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter
for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need
a  hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really
don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay
at the White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Beckie:

Beckie: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Beckie: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."


A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date.
He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his
second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball
slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene
to offer his apologies.

When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man
smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing
this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my
friends that I've hit my first holy one!"


A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce
my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

Her friend replies,

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

The wife says,

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he  keeps
forgetting that he's married!"


Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful
reading.

After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got
all you say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why do you ask? "

Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale...its too good to part with."











QUOTES OF THE YEAR

That old world will keep on turning "I hate to say it in a
hard-hearted way, but the sun keeps coming up and the sun
keeps going down, and the world keeps on. Out of respect for
yourself and fellow men, you're going to think about it and
mourn a little bit, but you've got to leave it alone and go
on." -- Richard Petty, on Dale Earnhardt's death

More wisdom from Petty
"You've got to have a lead dog. You've got to have somebody out
there for everybody to shoot at." -- Richard Petty

They smiled and nodded
"It's like talking to nothing." -- Jimmy Spencer, asked to
describe his discussions with NASCAR

Beats washing dishes
"To have been able to stay here, stay in one of these things,
not get shuffled out and still poke your nose up around the
front every now and then, it makes you feel good." -- Ken
Schrader

Must be strong paper clips
"The track is two drag strips hooked up by a couple of paper
clips." -- Joe Nemechek, describing Martinsville Speedway
They good people and all
"You don't want to rough nobody up, but some of them boys
don't care." -- Bobby Hamilton at Martinsville

Steam-powered
"The gas mileage was a lot better than the water mileage
today." -- Mike Skinner, after his Chevy overheated

Easy for you to say
"Darrell (Waltrip) told me that you've got to make sure you
don't repeatedly accept mediocrity." -- Jimmy Spencer

Terrorist Popsicle
"Bring his head back on a stick, as far as I'm concerned." --
Tony Stewart, asked what he thought our troops ought to do
about terrorist suspect Osama bin Laden.

Boy, you're not kidding
"One way or the other, we've always got to chase our tails."
-- Tony Stewart

Hypocrisy? In NASCAR? No way!
"It's almost a hypocritical situation here. The veterans were
really the ones squalling about Dale (Earnhardt) Jr. and me for
the past three or four weeks over our driving characteristics.
I think last week Dale Jr. won the race and I finished sixth,
and I think the main topic was Ricky Rudd and Rusty Wallace.
'Rubberhead' and 'Conehead,' I think it was. ... I find that
kind of interesting. Obviously, NASCAR does not find that as
'detrimental to the sport' as our situation." -- Kevin Harvick,
at Kansas Speedway

Eternal optimist
"We're having chassis, aero and motor problems. Other than
that, things are great." -- Ward Burton, at Kansas

Tell us how you really feel
"The problem is you've got a young kid who is trying to
replace Dale Earnhardt, who thinks he is Dale Earnhardt, and
right now he wouldn't be a scab on Dale Earnhardt's butt." --
Bobby Hamilton, on Kevin Harvick
Another new member of the fan club
"The only thing I can say is that you can do that and you race
each other and you use a little class about it, or you can kind
of be like a bull in a china closet and just run over people.
He sort of chooses to do the second." -- Ricky Rudd, referring
to Kevin Harvick

Aren't there laws against that?
"Every time he drives a Cup car, he's always chopping and
hacking somebody." -- Sterling Marlin on Mike Wallace, at
Martinsville

Also, no water, and I think I see a rattlesnake
"Bottom line: We're out here in the damned desert blowing
tires." -- Kenny Wallace, at Phoenix


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A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, 'you have been a good
cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all
you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family
on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and
they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer
that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and
even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a
pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted
with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat
is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.

God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you
happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been
happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been
sending over are the best!


The teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.

When she got to Little Johnny, whose father ran a local toy store, she
said, "Little Johnny, since you're Jewish, I guess your family doesn't
celebrate Christmas."

Little Johnny replied, "Oh yes, we do. We all hold hands and dance
around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'"


Politically Correct Usage When Talking To/About A Female

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She is not HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

She does not have BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS


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AAAAAMMMEEEENNN



NOW ! I realllllly need one of those
Let me tell ya, & that is the truth



& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 244 seconds for 28K modem,
145 seconds for 56k modem & 66 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #