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A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."  
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’ It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’ ‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor… ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’ ‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’ ‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
Just showing my Southern Hospitality


 Homesick Snowbird
 
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, 
"I miss Chicago"

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, 
"I hope this helps!"
A young cowboy from Oklahoma goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Stillwater that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
 
 
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
 
 
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
 
 
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.  About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
 
 
The boy calls home.  "So how's Ol'Blue doing son?" his father asks.
 
 
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
 
 
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
 
 
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 
 
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
 
 
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
 
 
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
 
 
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
 
 
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
 
 
"I sure did, Dad!"
 
 
"That's my boy!"
 
 
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
Why I Owe My Mother ....
 
**************************************

  
1.  My mother  taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  .

   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 
 
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION  .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 
 
3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 
 
4. My mother taught me  LOGIC .

"Because I said so, that's why."

  5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT  .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 
 
7.  My mother taught me  IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 
 
8.  My mother taught me about the science of  OSMOSIS  .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 
 
9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM  .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 
 
10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA  ...

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
 
11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER  .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
 
12. My mother  taught  me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once,  I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE  

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 
 
14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION 

"Stop acting like your father!" 
 
15.  My mother taught me about ENVY 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you  do." 
 
16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION  

"Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING   .. 
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 
 
18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE  .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get  stuck that way."

19.  My mother taught me ESP .
  
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 
 
20.  My mother taught me HUMOR .
 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 
 
21.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT 
"If you don't eat your  vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
 
22.  My mother taught me   GENETICS

"You're just like your father." 
 
23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you  think you were born in a barn?" 
 
24. My mother taught me   WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 
 
And my favorite:

  
25.  My   mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope  they turn out just like you!"
 
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from

  this list . . . . My personal all time favorite!!
 
My mother taught me about CHOICE .

"Do you want me to stop this car?"
A very touching story ...!!!!!
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: 
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. 
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. 
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. 
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all 
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't 
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. 
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, 
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, 
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
  Is He A Good Husband?


In the Old Country, the Rabbi of a small town died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to light the candles.
 
The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She lit the candles.
 
He leaned over again and said, “My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to make love.” So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers.
 
When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest.
 
Again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?”
 
 She replied, “Well, a scholar he isn’t, but he comes from a very learned family.”
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,  It's Lent.
 
In tears, she sobbed, Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
 
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
‘The Origin of the White Wedding Dress’

A son asked his mother the following question: 

 ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: 

 ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' 
   
 The son thanks his Mom and double-checks this with his father. 

 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

 

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

Big Eagle applied for a fork lift operator job at a firm based in Prince Albert. A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Big Eagle and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the white guy the job."
Big Eagle , "What 'cho mean, why you doin that, you are racist? We both got 19 questions right? This is Prince Albert and I 'm first nations, I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Big Eagle said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple, On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’."
DO YOU HAVE AN OLD NEWSPAPER?"

I was visiting with my daughter last night when I asked if she had an old newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, she said.  I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

So I did . 
I can tell you this: That damn fly never knew what hit him.

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to
Pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
 Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
 The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband.
 He's in here somewhere'
 The clerk is astonished.
 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'
 The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'
 'I see,' said the clerk.
 'What do you call him at home?'
 'Lard ass.'
MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)













'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
THE PORCH

A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money
for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and
started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the
conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch
goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
 
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
 
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
 
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
 
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
 
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
 
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
 
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
 
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
 
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
 
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
 
Ole stopped to think. "No”
 
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa
 
 
OH, stop laughing and forward this to someone who needs a good laugh!
 
 
 
 
 
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress,
they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Quick Thinking

 

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leant over to him and asked "Are all of those kids yours?"

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

(I wish I could think that fast.)

A Special Package for Businessmen.

 

A US Airline introduced a special package for Businessmen. Buy a ticket and get a free ticket for your wife.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.

All of them gave the same reply What trip?

Birthday Present

 

Two old fellas were talking.

"My 75th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me SUV".

"Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV for your birthday! What a great gift!"

"Yep. Socks, Underwear and Viagra."


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.  Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion:  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."  On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case....time for another beer!

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off. 

" Thank you for flying with us this morning. The Weather is..."
when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:
"Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt...OMG!”
 
Silence reigned! Pin-drop silence.
 
He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:
" I apologize for this incident...
but the stewardess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...
You should see my pants from the front"..
 
A passenger replies angrily
" Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND"

Luvs & Huggies VS Depends
 
Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called Depends?
 
Because if a baby shits in their pants, you are still gonna Luv'em & Hug'em. If an old person shits in their pants, will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged?  That "Depends" if you're in the Will or not.
A Preacher and a Lawn Mower

 
 

This kid will be a congressman someday....

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
A skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question. If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground? The jump instructor answered, The rest of your life.
The Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Alberta walks out in the street and sees a 
blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, 
his gun and his boots. 
He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 
'Why in the world are you walking 
Around like this?'

The cowboy says, 
'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and 
this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. 
So I did. 

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... 
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... 
So I did. 


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... 
So I did. 


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 
'Now go to town cowboy. ' 

'And here I am.' 

Son of a Gun!  Blond men DO exist!?
 

This is the first time that I have ever seen,
 a Blond Man Joke?!
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
 
What did she think I had, an elephant?
 
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food  is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Old Ghost Face
 
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
 
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking... 

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
 
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just 
eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
 
WHERE ARE MY GLASSES????
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time..........

 
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
A certain company had a HR policy, of hiring only married men. 

Concerned about this, the leader of a local Woman's Liberation Front, called on the C.E.O. 
of that company, and asked her, 
"Why is it, that you limit your employees, to married men? 
Is it because you consider us women weak, dumb, cantankerous, tantrum-throwers 
and/or bossy?" 
  
That C.E.O. replied, "Not at all, Ma'am.  Our policy, is to hire staff who:- 
 -are used to obeying orders, without questioning  

- are accustomed to being shoved around. 

- know how to keep their mouths shut. 

And - would put up with anything, when I yell at them. 

And we found all these qualities, only in married men. :) 

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview.

The manager says, 
"If you can answer these 3 questions right, 
the job is yours!

We pack our underwear in 
7-packs, 5-packs and 12-packs. 
Why?

The man thinks for a moment and replies:

The 7-packs are for European men: 
one for each day of the week.

The 5-packs are for American men: 
one each for Monday to Friday,
and they don't wear underwear on weekends.

The 12-packs are for Indian men: 
one each for January, February..."

He got the job...!
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Gotta love those grand-kids .

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" .

I was waiting for something about Trudeau or Martin, etc.

She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the  Prime Minister Mansion,

And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
TOP 8 IDIOTS
 
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
 
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
 
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
 
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
 
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up.  When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
 
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
  
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
 
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
 
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE...
 
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Updates for 2013-12-10 start here.
Three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting 
with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, 
“Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, 
“I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, 
“Is the baby in your stomach?”

She answered, 
“He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, 
“Is it a good baby?”

She said, 
“Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, 
“Then why did you eat him?”
and now, ladies, I want you to relax every muscle in your
 
Why do witches fly on brooms Vaccuum cleaner Sittin in a bar having drinks with a friend I casually