jokes-03
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Page 3 of the generic Jokes section.


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So if a redhead goes crazy, Is it called ginger snaps So if a redhead goes crazy, Is it called ginger snaps-02
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting To do list- 1 go to pet store. 2 Buy bird seeds 3 Ask how
When I was a boy, my momma would send me down to a corner store The Bathtub Test          
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"    
       "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."       
    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"
       ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON …
          OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?,
Updates for 2015-12-08 start here.



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That is A great group Where I get a lot of my stuff from & Marie is a great Mod there!!.

A magician was working on a cruise ship. 

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... 

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

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Updates for 2015-12-11 start here.

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That is A great group Where I get a some of my stuff from!!.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


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That is A great group Where I get a some of my stuff from!!.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.

"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"


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You thought this post would be funny. I'm a frayed knot!,
Updates for 2015-12-15 start here.
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Updates for 2016-02-16 start here.
 Farmer John
 


John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

     
     “NUDIST COLONY”
“Slow down and watch out for chicks”
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Updates for 2016-06-28 start here.
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
 
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability for parent hood.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects
along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
 
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."

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Updates for 2016-10-24 start here.
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
 
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability for parent hood.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects
along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
 
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."
,
Updates for 2016-10-25 start here.

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car, said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10 asked the driver?

"No way" , replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY dollars, he"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy.

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Updates for 2016-10-26 start here.

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you brought a damn Jeep - you live with it!"

Addressing boat sailors at Groton, SUBLANT advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100.  Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, a Master Chief stood up in the crowd and inquired:  "How much for a season pass?"

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Updates for 2016-10-28 start here.
A lady failed the driving test 4 times.
At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.

But the test had the same question :
"You are driving at 120mph. On your right is a wall,
on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see a old man
and a young man. What will you hit ?".

The woman walked up to the examiner and said,
"I've answered this question in all four ways, wall,
cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all the four times.
How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ????"

 
Examiner : "The BRAKES!!!"
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