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Why is it called Beauty Sleep when you wake up A guy stole my car last night and before I tried calling the police,
Updates for 2015-01-17 start here.
Finally Spring is just around the corner,
Updates for 2015-01-26 start here.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, You're drunk!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
Mommy, Are these my brains,
Updates for 2015-02-02 start here.
Bob goes to his friend Sam and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him 
in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, 
asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.
 Bob, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, 
so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
Updates for 2015-07-31 start here.

For those of my generation who do not and
 cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: 

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying 
the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and 
tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, 
what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, 
taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks,
 driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and 
everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the 
"thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook. 

I already have four people following me:
 two police officers, 
a private investigator, and 
a psychiatrist.
Updates for 2015-09-27 start here.
A Wife’s Financial Investments
The lawyer
said to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have
some bad news."
The tycoon replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the
good news first? "
The lawyer said, "Well, your wife invested $5,000 in
two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30
The tycoon replied enthusiastically, "Well
done! My wife is so smart! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"
The lawyer answered, "The pictures are of you with your

Updates for 2015-09-29 start here.After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "what the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous,
Gorgeous, and Hot"

She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

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Updates for 2015-09-30 start here.
Extreme Rednecks
You're An Extreme Redneck If...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey all y'all, watch this!"
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You've ever lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween Jack-o-Lantern on your porch has more teeth than you.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

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While on vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a  thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousan dollars.

 Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel.

   I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue.

   When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone.

Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

  "Rabbi," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and said,You’re in Israel now. It's a local call."

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Updates for 2015-10-05 start here.American Revolution Pong
Don't let people push you around. Unless you're in a wagon, cause
If your're American in the living room, what are you in the In just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom. Known as
laughing is the best medicine-02 shampoo shower-02
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