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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a   pond on his property.
  It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of   Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.  
This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter. 
   SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County    
   Dear Mr. DeVries: 
   It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality   
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced   
parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner   and/or 
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:       
   Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams 
across the outlet   stream of Spring Pond.    
   A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.    
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been   issued.  
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity   is in violation of 
Part 301, Inland   Lakes and Streams,   of the Natural Resource and Environmental 
Protection Act, Act 451 of the   Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 
324.30113 of the   Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.  
   The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed   
during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream   locations.  
We find that dams of this nature are inherently   hazardous and cannot be permitted.  
The Department therefore orders   you to cease and desist all activities at this location and
 to restore   the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush   
forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work  
 shall be completed no   later than January 31, 2007.  
   Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that   
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure   to comply with this 
request or any further unauthorized activity on the   site may result in 
this case being referred for elevated enforcement   action..   
   We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.    
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any   questions.  
   David L. Price 
   District Representative and Water Management Division. 

   Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: 
   Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  
   Dear Mr. Price, 
   Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to.    
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , 
Trout Run, Pennsylvania   .   
   A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of  constructing and 
maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet   stream of my Spring Pond.  
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor   supervise their dam project, I think they would be
 highly offended that   you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'     
   I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam   
project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe I can   safely state there is 
no way you could ever match their dam skills, their   dam resourcefulness, their
 dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their   dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. 

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   
As to your   request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill   
out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. 
   My first dam question to you is: 
   (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or 
   (2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said   dam request?    
   If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through   
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those  
 other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.   
   (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland   
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of
 the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to   324.30113 of
 the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.) 
   I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren't the beavers   entitled to legal 
representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are   financially destitute and are unable to 
pay for said representation - so   the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed   
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a   natural occurrence,
 which the Department is required to protect.     In other words, we should leave the 
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than   harassing them and calling them dam names.    
   If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please   contact the 
beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously   did not pay any 
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read   English.   
   In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their   
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and   water flows downstream.  
They have more dam rights than I do to live   and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of 
Natural Resources and   Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the   
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).   
   So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be   
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait   until 1/31/2007? 
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then   and there will be 
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass   them. 

   In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental   
quality, health, problem in the area.  It is the bears!  Bears   are actually defecating in
 our woods.  I definitely believe you   should be persecuting the defecating bears and 
leave the beavers alone.    If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!    
The bears are not careful where they dump!   
   Being unable to comply with your dam request and being unable to contact   
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. 

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