CATS WHO WANT US DEAD

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CATS WHO WANT US DEAD

Cats are some of the very best pets a human can have within their home. 

At least that statement is true for the first few weeks, just before the cat learns 

your habits, your schedule, and exactly the best options available to destroy 

your life and your entire humble abode. A cat wants you to believe they’re furry, 

cute, and loving, but in reality they really don’t care about you in the least bit.

 In fact, a cat has complete animosity towards its surroundings more often than not.

Veni Vidi Vici





Prepare Yourself!





The backyard has a lot of interesting happenings, including birds, bugs, small children, 

large, grown adults, and perhaps even a small dog or two. A cat will find this hunting ground

 to be the ideal spot to perfect their catch and release methods, or maybe they will just 

practice their ambush tactics before messing with you in the middle of the night.


I’m Always Watching





You may be able to hide for a little while, but there is always a cat within your home that 

has her eyes on you. You may think you’re safe, but then you turn around, and peeking 

through the wooden cracks of a chair or a door is the single most deadliest animal to

 ever have been invited into the comfort of your own abode.


Wait Until I Escape





This glass is holding the grumpy cat back from the interested people taking a picture,

 but it won’t be there forever. In the summer time, the humans living within the house will

 open that window and then he will strike. People may laugh now, but it won’t be 

long until he’s attacking with furious claws outstretched.


Biding My Time





Cats make plans. Humans should probably know this by now, especially considering

 the amount of time our felines spend laying around or watching what is happening in their 

immediate surroundings. This particular cat has something in mind and she intends 

to enact that plan within just a few moments.


You Made a Mistake





A bath is certainly necessary when you own pets in your home, but that doesn’t mean 

said pet is going to be exactly happy about the affair. This particular cat is showing exactly 

how he feels about dealing with water, and the look on his face should be a firm

 warning to never try something like that again…or else.


He’s Still Breathing





You may have thought you were lying down for a moment to take a nap, but what was

 really happening was you were setting up your own demise for the local cat. He took 

advantage of the situation and climbed atop your covered face. Now what will 

you do as his crushing weight leaves you gasping for air?


Plans Are Made





You did something wrong when your pet looks like that. He has moved past the upset stage

 and is already planning to murder you in your sleep, so you had better keep an eye open 

when you climb into bed. Of course, it may just happen when you

 sit down on the couch or the toilet, too.


Not a Single Care





People say things wrong all the time, but we always assume our animal doesn’t understand 

what we’re saying. Well, that assumption appears to be completley wrong. This fur-ball 

understood every single word and he is not amused in the least bit.


Laser Sharks? Yes, Please





Hairless animals are pretty creepy already, but this one takes the cake. He appears to 

have an evil lair already sorted out, but the idea of laser sharks has him silently wondering

 whether or not the investment is a good one. It’s a good one, just a hint.


He Said What?





He heard you talking about him behind his back again. That look on his face is one of 

complete and utter contempt for everything about your existence. If you talk sh*t, then your

 cat is going to find you and knee cap you when you least expect it.

 He’s like the feline mafia.


I’ll Cut You





Take a moment to imagine yourself walking down the alley behind your house. Everything

 appears to be going well, there is sun shining overhead, birds chirping, but something is

 blocking your path ahead. This cat hangs out with his friends back there sometimes, and 

they aren’t very nice. They sing, they snap their paws, and they may

 just pull a switch blade on you.


You Said The Wrong Thing





Those big, soft eyes may look incredibly unassuming and cartoon-like, but don’t let

 that fool you. You have two options: either stare directly into his eyes or turn your back.

 Either one is going to end with you being scratched or bitten more than once.


This Is Mine Now





Eating pizza for dinner is one of the very best things that you can do as an adult. 

However, if you leave the pizza box anywhere out in the open then you’re probably 

going to lose it. Cats love pizza as much as a college student, so you had been ensure

 the cheesy goodness has been thoroughly cleaned up.


Don’t Talk To Me





Sometimes people don’t want to have a serious topic brought to their attention at certain

 times. This cat doesn’t want anyone talking to them at all…ever. If you do have to speak,

 though, make sure it is in a soft tone that won’t upset the feline any further. 

Otherwise you’ll sleep with the fishes.


Hello, Austin Powers!





Some cats exude a sense of being an evil villain. If you dress your cat up, then you had

 better expect them to find an agent of mystery to battle when they aren’t trying to kill 

you by dangling you by chains above a piranha tank. Or, alternatively, 

you could just not dress them up.


I Am Jedi





Again, dressing your animal up is something a lot of people do, but the pet probably doesn’t

 have strong feelings for the occurrence. Give a feline a hood and then you have created a 

future Jedi master that should rival the likes of of Obi-Wan.


Fight Me!





Words have failed you and it is finally go time! This pet cat has decided you’re worth his 

time and he is going to destroy you in one-on-one combat. Those razor sharp fangs 

will puncture your spleen if you’re not too careful. Keep your guard up and

 make a quick right jab to defend yourself.


What Are You Looking At





Don’t look down upon your pet no matter how small they are compared to you. The look of 

pure rage you will receive should ensure you don’t ever make that same mistake twice.

 Unfortunately, if you did it once then you’ve already spurned them and 

their murderous rampage will begin.


I Am Not Amused





Oh, so you thought your joke was funny earlier? False! It just earned you a spot on the

 kill list by the feline army to eradicate all humans. They meet every Monday night in the

 back alley, and you are the primary target thanks to the shenanigans.