CATS WHO WANT US DEAD
Cats are some of the very best pets a human can have within their home.
At least that statement is true for the first few weeks, just before the cat learns
your habits, your schedule, and exactly the best options available to destroy
your life and your entire humble abode. A cat wants you to believe they’re furry,
cute, and loving, but in reality they really don’t care about you in the least bit.
In fact, a cat has complete animosity towards its surroundings more often than not.
Veni Vidi Vici
The backyard has a lot of interesting happenings, including birds, bugs, small children,
large, grown adults, and perhaps even a small dog or two. A cat will find this hunting ground
to be the ideal spot to perfect their catch and release methods, or maybe they will just
practice their ambush tactics before messing with you in the middle of the night.
I’m Always Watching
You may be able to hide for a little while, but there is always a cat within your home that
has her eyes on you. You may think you’re safe, but then you turn around, and peeking
through the wooden cracks of a chair or a door is the single most deadliest animal to
ever have been invited into the comfort of your own abode.
Wait Until I Escape
This glass is holding the grumpy cat back from the interested people taking a picture,
but it won’t be there forever. In the summer time, the humans living within the house will
open that window and then he will strike. People may laugh now, but it won’t be
long until he’s attacking with furious claws outstretched.
Biding My Time
Cats make plans. Humans should probably know this by now, especially considering
the amount of time our felines spend laying around or watching what is happening in their
immediate surroundings. This particular cat has something in mind and she intends
to enact that plan within just a few moments.
You Made a Mistake
A bath is certainly necessary when you own pets in your home, but that doesn’t mean
said pet is going to be exactly happy about the affair. This particular cat is showing exactly
how he feels about dealing with water, and the look on his face should be a firm
warning to never try something like that again…or else.
He’s Still Breathing
You may have thought you were lying down for a moment to take a nap, but what was
really happening was you were setting up your own demise for the local cat. He took
advantage of the situation and climbed atop your covered face. Now what will
you do as his crushing weight leaves you gasping for air?
Plans Are Made
You did something wrong when your pet looks like that. He has moved past the upset stage
and is already planning to murder you in your sleep, so you had better keep an eye open
when you climb into bed. Of course, it may just happen when you
sit down on the couch or the toilet, too.
Not a Single Care
People say things wrong all the time, but we always assume our animal doesn’t understand
what we’re saying. Well, that assumption appears to be completley wrong. This fur-ball
understood every single word and he is not amused in the least bit.
Laser Sharks? Yes, Please
Hairless animals are pretty creepy already, but this one takes the cake. He appears to
have an evil lair already sorted out, but the idea of laser sharks has him silently wondering
whether or not the investment is a good one. It’s a good one, just a hint.
He Said What?
He heard you talking about him behind his back again. That look on his face is one of
complete and utter contempt for everything about your existence. If you talk sh*t, then your
cat is going to find you and knee cap you when you least expect it.
He’s like the feline mafia.
I’ll Cut You
Take a moment to imagine yourself walking down the alley behind your house. Everything
appears to be going well, there is sun shining overhead, birds chirping, but something is
blocking your path ahead. This cat hangs out with his friends back there sometimes, and
they aren’t very nice. They sing, they snap their paws, and they may
just pull a switch blade on you.
You Said The Wrong Thing
Those big, soft eyes may look incredibly unassuming and cartoon-like, but don’t let
that fool you. You have two options: either stare directly into his eyes or turn your back.
Either one is going to end with you being scratched or bitten more than once.
This Is Mine Now
Eating pizza for dinner is one of the very best things that you can do as an adult.
However, if you leave the pizza box anywhere out in the open then you’re probably
going to lose it. Cats love pizza as much as a college student, so you had been ensure
the cheesy goodness has been thoroughly cleaned up.
Don’t Talk To Me
Sometimes people don’t want to have a serious topic brought to their attention at certain
times. This cat doesn’t want anyone talking to them at all…ever. If you do have to speak,
though, make sure it is in a soft tone that won’t upset the feline any further.
Otherwise you’ll sleep with the fishes.
Hello, Austin Powers!
Some cats exude a sense of being an evil villain. If you dress your cat up, then you had
better expect them to find an agent of mystery to battle when they aren’t trying to kill
you by dangling you by chains above a piranha tank. Or, alternatively,
you could just not dress them up.
I Am Jedi
Again, dressing your animal up is something a lot of people do, but the pet probably doesn’t
have strong feelings for the occurrence. Give a feline a hood and then you have created a
future Jedi master that should rival the likes of of Obi-Wan.
Words have failed you and it is finally go time! This pet cat has decided you’re worth his
time and he is going to destroy you in one-on-one combat. Those razor sharp fangs
will puncture your spleen if you’re not too careful. Keep your guard up and
make a quick right jab to defend yourself.
What Are You Looking At
Don’t look down upon your pet no matter how small they are compared to you. The look of
pure rage you will receive should ensure you don’t ever make that same mistake twice.
Unfortunately, if you did it once then you’ve already spurned them and
their murderous rampage will begin.
I Am Not Amused
Oh, so you thought your joke was funny earlier? False! It just earned you a spot on the
kill list by the feline army to eradicate all humans. They meet every Monday night in the
back alley, and you are the primary target thanks to the shenanigans.