Jokes

Home


Photo Home Menu
All the photo albums










Just a page or two of jokes, Hope u enjoy
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."  
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’ It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’ ‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor… ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’ ‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’ ‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
Just showing my Southern Hospitality


 Homesick Snowbird
 
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, 
"I miss Chicago"

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, 
"I hope this helps!"
A young cowboy from Oklahoma goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Stillwater that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
 
 
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
 
 
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
 
 
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.  About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
 
 
The boy calls home.  "So how's Ol'Blue doing son?" his father asks.
 
 
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
 
 
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
 
 
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 
 
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
 
 
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
 
 
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
 
 
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
 
 
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
 
 
"I sure did, Dad!"
 
 
"That's my boy!"
 
 
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
Why I Owe My Mother ....
 
**************************************

  
1.  My mother  taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  .

   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 
 
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION  .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 
 
3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 
 
4. My mother taught me  LOGIC .

"Because I said so, that's why."

  5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT  .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 
 
7.  My mother taught me  IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 
 
8.  My mother taught me about the science of  OSMOSIS  .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 
 
9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM  .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 
 
10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA  ...

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
 
11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER  .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
 
12. My mother  taught  me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once,  I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE  

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 
 
14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION 

"Stop acting like your father!" 
 
15.  My mother taught me about ENVY 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you  do." 
 
16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION  

"Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING   .. 
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 
 
18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE  .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get  stuck that way."

19.  My mother taught me ESP .
  
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 
 
20.  My mother taught me HUMOR .
 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 
 
21.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT 
"If you don't eat your  vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
 
22.  My mother taught me   GENETICS

"You're just like your father." 
 
23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you  think you were born in a barn?" 
 
24. My mother taught me   WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 
 
And my favorite:

  
25.  My   mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope  they turn out just like you!"
 
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from

  this list . . . . My personal all time favorite!!
 
My mother taught me about CHOICE .

"Do you want me to stop this car?"
A very touching story ...!!!!!
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: 
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. 
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. 
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. 
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all 
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't 
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. 
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, 
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, 
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
  Is He A Good Husband?


In the Old Country, the Rabbi of a small town died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to light the candles.
 
The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She lit the candles.
 
He leaned over again and said, “My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to make love.” So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers.
 
When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest.
 
Again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?”
 
 She replied, “Well, a scholar he isn’t, but he comes from a very learned family.”
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,  It's Lent.
 
In tears, she sobbed, Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
 
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?